Andrea Tang

Storytelling with genre-bending inclinations & international flavor.

GEOPOLITICAL DRAMA RECAP: Code-Switching Canadian Tories!

And here be the second geopolitical dramz recap I've been asked to cross-post, guest starring a Canadian-American friend (whose commentary on her other homeland is witty, wonderful, & one of the major reasons why I started following things like the CBC and the Globe & Mail at all), and a shared bottle of wine. 

Tonight, we pivot away from last week's hot mess in France, to the slightly cooler (but still unseasonably warm) mess of France's long-lost North American offspring at Tuesday evening's Canadian Tory debates. Disclaimer:  As ever, these recaps are, by their tongue-in-cheek nature, necessarily reductive. Please do not take any of the below as actual serious political analysis. Neither of us are, ourselves, Tories, so we poke fun in the way outsiders do. Nonetheless!

To start, being just such an outsider, one cannot possibly be expected to keep all fourteen -- excuse me, thirteen, discounting No-Show Canadian Trump Lite -- Tories straight, so we make do with the following nicknames: Bargain Bin Marine Le Pen, Tory Hillary Clinton, Confused Indian Uncle, Baby Saskatchewan, French Libertarian, Uncomfortably Militant Catholic, White House Suck-Up, Sensible Hapa Man, Middle School Gym Teacher, Genderflipped Eva Perón Wannabe, Mr. Fight Le-Islam Radical Oh-Jor-Dwee!!, Other White Dude Dee & Other White Dude Dum. Highlights & hot takes:

1. White Dude Dee/Dum (I honestly don't remember which; I am sorry): "I have more support in Quebec than actual Quebecois candidates!"
Friend: "That's because there are like, three Quebecois Tories."
Me: "I think Quebecois Tories are like black Republicans in America. Like, they exist, but it's really weird for everyone."

2. Every time an American describes Canada as a liberal paradise, Bargain Bin Marine Le Pen's shadow looms over Mordor.

3. Sensible Hapa Man: *has clearly done lots of thoughtful research on lots of things, talks earnestly about his immigrant parents' love of Canada, advocates dialogue across party lines*
Friend: "Aw, bless! He's lovely, for a Tory."
Me: "... He's unelectable, isn't he."
Various Disagreeable Albertans: "BOOOOOO."
Friend: "Yup."

4. These debates are an excellent reminder that no one can get into a political dogfight quite like two shouty French people, regardless of continent or party affiliation.

5. Confused Indian Uncle: "The Conservative Party needs to be more inclusive! Like a big blue tent that can welcome all people from all backgrounds!"
Me: "... Uncle, I mean no filial disrespect, but did you walk into the wrong Party by accident."

6. Other White Dude Dee: "The RCMP should enforce laws, not make them."
White House Suck-Up: *literally two minutes later, very proudly* "The RCMP should enforce laws, not make them!"
Friend: "... Did he really just say the exact same thing as the first dude."
Me: "White House Suck-Up has just been promoted to Bargain Bin Melania Trump."

7. Debate Host: [in French] "Thank you for listening tonight, and don't forget to renew your membership with the Conservative Party of Canada!"
Me: *shouting after friend* "YEAH, DUDE, DON'T FORGET TO RENEW YOUR TORY CARD."
Friend: "... Wow are we not the target audience for this debate."